“It is never the parents’ fault”, says this children’s speech therapist

We chat with a language and communication expert empowering caregivers to champion their kid’s development outside of her appointments, during day-to-day life.

Kate Burgess grew up supporting her younger sister, Jenny, who has Down syndrome, to have her voice heard. Jenny has a lot to say and, often, Kate would be the only one in their family who could decipher the words she wanted to get across.

“I saw that frustration for her,” says Kate, who now works with children and their families as a highly specialised speech and language therapist. “These wonderful, amazing kids have every right to communicate and access people who are well trained in how to support them. All children deserve to have a voice – and we need to help make it as strong as possible.”

With more than 15 years experience – including 11 years working in the NHS – Kate now runs her own children’s speech and language therapy practice, We Can CommuniKate, in Somerset UK. She’s also co-founded an app, Pippin, with resources teaching parents how to develop their child’s communication skills.

“I feel very passionate about parents having the right tools, the right strategies and the right advice – because these babies don’t come to us with a handbook,” says Kate – a mother of two, herself.

“The way to develop communication, language, talking or non-verbal communication is not really complicated, but it’s also not well known or well shared. So I’ve always worked really hard to share loads of really good quality, evidence-based advice that would sit well for anybody.”

Here, Kate imparts some guidance for families – including three things you’ll never hear her say.

Your approach to your work is very much about supporting caregivers and parents, rather than just focussing on the child. Why is this?

Say you are a family that sees me once a week. That's great – but that’s only 45 minutes, once a week. That’s a drop in the ocean compared to the time that a child spends with their caregivers. So I really feel that, actually, the people who spend most of the time with these children need to know how to support their child’s communication skills – and it’s not about them finding extra time to do this.

Because life is so busy and stressful and there’s lots of different things to manage, I want parents to know how to support their child’s communication skills when they’re in the supermarket or in the queue to pick up an older sibling from school. Because we have to do those things – we have to do bathtime, we have to take them to the toilet, we have to give them snacks – and if you know what to do in those moments, then the magic can really happen.

You shared on your socials that there are certain things you will never say to families when they come to see you. What are those things – and why don’t you say them?

If you don’t feel better after having come to see me or having a conversation with me, I've not done a very good job. So there are things that I would never say. For one, I would never say that a child is lazy – because children are not lazy. If they could talk to you, they absolutely would. If they could say really effectively “I want that snack and I want it now”, they would.

Another thing I would never say is that a child or certain behaviour is not welcome in my clinic space. If there are dangerous things happening, we will work really hard on finding alternative ways to express that emotion or that sensory need. I would never say to a family, “you just can't come”.

I would also never say “it’s the parents fault”, because it never is. I’m very quick to squash that one. There are definitely things that parents and caregivers can do to help and be part of the solution and the support network, but any struggles are not their fault.

For those parents who feel shame and self-blame around their child’s communication struggles, what words of advice do you have?

I’m incredibly quick to reiterate that message – it’s not your fault and it’s not something that you’re doing wrong. And actually, there is a very unique role that parents can play. Other people can teach them to communicate. Other people can teach them to eat. Other people can teach them to tie their laces or write their name. But only mum can be mum. Only dad can be dad. Nobody else can fill that role.

So if you need to go home and just love your child and just be mum or dad – if you need a bit of time to just be the parent and just do the parent stuff – go do that for a while and then come back when you feel ready.

The other thing that I would say is pick one thing to work on. You are better off picking one strategy or technique and absolutely nailing it than you are trying to do five or six or eight or 10, but not doing any of them that often so none of them have much of an impact.

This is part of the reason why, on the Pippin app, we’ve stuck to five strategies. If you can do a smaller number of things really well, then you will see the difference in your child. That’s where you can really support them with their communication skills. And if you need to take a break, let’s just pick one that feels comfortable and focus on that and just let all the rest go.

Connect with Kate via her website or Instagram account. Explore and download the Pippin app here.